Sunday, April 27, 2008 5:35 PM Chrysalis (Butterfly?)

I never once thought that this would be easy. I never once thought that the most difficult part of life is facing yourself. This training is probably the hardest thing I have ever done. I have left my family, friends, husband and home. They say when you come to training, you leave everything. And you really do. I feel like I am in a chrysalis, like I am in the midst of huge change, but I can not really see what is going on, I can only feel it. I have not watched television, or listened to a radio since I first arrived here, and I just realized, it is quiet. For one day in this wild crazy week, after finishing studies from noon until about 4pm today, I returned to the hotel room, and finally have a little bit of quiet time. I remember what a teacher at a Bikram yoga studio back home said when I told her I wanted to go to teacher training to learn more about the yoga:"you could just go to posture clinics" or something to that effect. That statement came back to me this week and it made this week tougher than I could have imagined. A teacher, granted it is Bikram yoga, so it is in a sense more tough love, but a teacher none the less hears a student say that they are considering teacher training, and to discount it, and not even ask a little more about why the student wants to or is thinking about going. I hope that this change I am feeling is the end to my doubts. I wish that I could get a preview of what is to come, because it feels big, but I am not sure why I feel this way. I thought a lot about how very grateful I am that I had the support of my teachers at my studio in Bloomington Minnesota, and grateful they had the hindsight and the selflessness and the ability to support me. I am just grateful that Bikrams yoga college of India in Minneapolis had Jason Winn there to teach a couple of years ago, and do a posture clinic. My studio owners were there with me, and mentioned to Jason that I was considering the training, I remember he was so enthusiastic about it, and supportive,  and it laid the foundation for my desire and drive. We are beginning week 4, and I am a little bit exhausted, but looking forward to the challenges and changes in the coming week.