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My story begins not today, but Sunday afternoon in Acapulco, I begin my journey to return home, at 1230pm leaving the Acapulco princess for what may be the last time. My flight from Acapulco to Mexico city leaves at 2:55pm and arrives early just before 4pm in Mexico city. I had a planned layover until 9:20 pm when my flight should, this is where the fun begins, should get to Chicago O' Hare at 1:20am. No big deal, this was planned. It did not go as planned. As we left Mexico city around 10:00pm, I was not nervous at leaving late, just a yogi, getting on a plane. Around 1am, as I looked out of the East side window of the plane I noticed a huge band of black clouds that seemed to go one for miles, it looked really surreal because you could see a beautiful crescent moon above it, and this line of dark thunderheads, lightning and just pure chaos below. I knew we were not going to be landing in Chicago for some time, I was right. At about 2 am or 2:30 am we land, somewhere too dark to be Chicago O'Hare, I am not sure as I look out the plane window at the airport. One of my fellow yogis on the flight says, "We are in St. Louis Missouri, I recognize this airport." He, was right. The crew informs us we have over an hour wait to land in Chicago, due to bad weather, and we will be waiting on board the plane. I am still calm, as my flight out of Chicago to Minneapolis does not leave Chicago until 7am and I am still, O.K. We get back up in the air, all wind, turbulence, English bulldog determination and Bengal tiger strength, and arrive in Chicago a little after - 4 am. Good, I think, less time for me to have to entertain myself at a sleepy airport. So, I and one of my fellow yogis who is also taking the leg to Minnesota got to what we thought was the right area, but the airport is so big, that we did not realize until about 5:54 am that we were in the wrong building and had to take a train to the proper check in. We race to the ticket counter only to be told "Your flight has been cancelled and there will be no other flights until tomorrow." The end? No, I get to the counter, tell her something in some sort of exhausted bedraggled yogi language and she suddenly tells me in a very direct, stern, sort of secretive way. "Put your luggage on the belt to be checked in, you are going to Minneapolis via Detroit, just follow me to security" In the same voice a bank robber whispers "calmly put the money in the bag" because there were a lot of stranded travelers, yes they all needed to get somewhere, but how many of them had been flying or in airports for over 16 hours, I then felt like a bank robber but was too confused to stop what had been set in motion. I followed her orders, wound up in a security line for early departing flights, got pushed through, along with the other sleepy travelers and wound up on yet another plane, to another city, Detroit Michigan? Luckily I met someone on the plane named T.K. who was extremely personable from Virginia and he kept me happy with some human conversation about his wife, and family back home and fate, that it was great we met on that flight, and we were meant to be on that flight. Thank you T.K. from Virginia. We land in Detroit at around 9:30 am and I wander aimlessly towards - the mens bathroom. After being in Mexico for nine weeks, I looked for Banos, (bathroom in Spanish) did not see it, looked at the signs, became confused, and decided I just needed to go potty. Well some MAN, decided he did not want me to use the mens bathroom, go figure and started yelling at me, which got me steered back in the proper direction. Now, off to find Gate 70 and check in for my boarding pass for my 11:41 am flight out of Detroit to Minnesota. I was able to find my next gate and saw a frazzled woman standing there behind the counter, and for some reason, I sat down and I said to myself, "oh dear god bring me someone who I will not have to explain this situation to 200 times to get my final boarding pass". Not more than two minutes later, another woman walks up, I wait patiently, while she applies her makeup and does her hair. She looked nice already, but, whatever. After she was done getting settled, I walked up to this new counter person, she smiles (smiles) takes my slip and says "this is your lucky day, we have the same last name, lets get you a seat." I almost fainted. 5 minutes later, after briefly sharing stories about having the same last name, I had my boarding pass and sat patiently while the more energetic people boarded the plane. And I said to myself, I am pretty sure I did not say it out loud, it did not matter at that point: "I am not going to ask what is next, because I will never know, just get on the plane." We flew, pretty much on schedule, and arrived in Minnesota, at around 1p.m. just a little over 24 hours from when I left Acapulco. I was so confused by that point that I was so grateful my husband was there at the baggage claim to help me retrieve my bag, which, I am not sure how, but was there, and had made also made the 5th and final leg of the trip with me to Minnesota. So much for fears of lost luggage. Home, home, home. I promised pictures and I will add some more pictures, but I need to adjust to the lack of palm trees, the sudden quiet and stillness, and the fact that now, when I arrive home, my brain thinks in Spanish. Oh boy. This is going to get interesting. Oh and to the people who had spouses, family and or friends meet them and help them return home, that is an excellent plan, anyone who can help you navigate coming back home, it is not as easy as it seems, even if there are not hitches along the way, a travel companion who is not fatigued in so many ways, would help out a lot.
Graduation, parties, celebrations, we have graduated from a 9 week program that took me through so many changes, it feels like 9 years. I have learned that I can remember dialogue that I never thought I would be able to recall in a million years. I have lost quite a few pounds, I have lost a huge amount of emotional baggage, but I am pretty numb right now. I know Bikram said he would make us stronger, or better yet, realize the strength we already have within us, but I dont feel much of anything except for this strange connection to everything, and everybody that I did not feel before. It goes beyond the day to day hello/good bye connection, it is deeper than that. Before I arrived here, I had what I would call anxiety that went to the core of my being because I had been judged so many times, on so many superficial levels, and it all stuck with me, and what I have learned, and will continue to learn, is that I can change my relationship with it, and take away its power. Thanks to the many teachers and staff that helped shape something in me that I can not even fully understand yet, and probably never will. And a huge thanks to Bikram and Rajashree, they have the devotion, love and patience to go through this with us time after time, again and again, and 9 weeks is a long time to work towards helping people learn to become proficient teachers. Next: pictures, pictures, and a few more pictures of the graduation, and departure from 2212, the room I have lived in at the Acapulco princess hotel for 9 weeks. Thank you to everyone who has sent comments and support via email, and thoughts, I got every one, and it helped carry me through, thank you.
Thursday June 5th was our last day of yoga classes. Rajashree taught our morning class, and Bikram taught our evening class and I am torn between jubilation and sadness at nearing the end of this journey. Craig Villani has been a great guide on our tour, he kept us in line while Bikram was gone, gave us excellent advice and guidance, and taught a really awesome class Wednesday evening, and I stood tall through all three classes! It has been a struggle this last week because the small amount of dehydration and weight loss is starting to really catch up with me and I really feel weak in the morning, but I got a bottle of electrolytes from my room mate and that has helped a huge amount. I also began bringing my special orange cooler with me everywhere with either a combination of ice, water, gatorade, electrolytes, whatever I can mix together that will help me stay up during class. I am always thirsty these days, considering I sweat like a fountain in the yoga room. Here is a picture of one of my talented and strong yoga friends from Canada with my orange cooler. Almost everyone has one, and they are great because when someone runs out of water after class, there is usually someone with some type of liquid left in the cooler to share. They were dubbed the orange maracas because that is exactly what they sound like when shaken with ice and whatever else you want to mix up for class, whether it was gatorade, pedialyte, or just a good old healthy dose of water.
Wednesday, we were given a very special treat of being allowed to watch the advanced series. It is a very rigorous continuation of the beginning series, and you have to be very advanced in the beginners series to even contemplate participation in the advanced series, and still you may not be able to do the advanced series. It was a special treat, senior teacher Emmy Cleaves and Bikram taught and it was wonderful to watch the way people can move their bodies into those amazing positions, just incredible.
Well, we are starting week 8. Unbelievable. I have been studying all day, I am trying to get the final posture word for word and it is a struggle. But one of the visiting teachers had an excellent suggestion for me a few weeks back, and every time I have tried it, it seems to work. I walk and meditate and walk and meditate while reading the words and it seems to help calm my mind enough to remember the posture bit by bit. I think at one point my stress level was so high, I could not even remember my name, and this seemed to take the edge off. So, after much studying today, meditation and a short swim, I am looking forward to this week with a little less apprehension and fear and more hopefulness. I am slowly beginning to see that most of what affects you, are usually self imposed limitations or fears, and the other stuff, well, it really does not matter. We are here to help one another, to care for one another, to appreciate each other, and I try to remember that each day I am here. I have seen Bikram twice this weekend and everytime I have seen him he is hard at work, as usual. Took this picture on my second meditation/study walk of the day. Beautiful.
Well, it seems it is getting down to the wire with only a few weeks left, and I get hit with, Diarrhea. It is something that many people here have been hit with while we are here, but I had successfully avoided it until now, Tuesday it started and I had hopes it would just go away, today is Thursday and I was advised yesterday by the staff nurse I should go see the doctor if it continues. The huge complication with it is the potential for dehydration. The water I drink is being immediately dumped with everything else so I tried taking my travel antibiotic and that made the cramping and intensity worse, so I took an over the counter medication and so far it has quieted the loud sounds coming from my tummy, but it has not stopped the activity. The other complication is access to food that is okay to eat. I believe I may have actually gotten sick from a tuna sandwich I ate at one of the hotel stores Monday night, and now I am a little hesitant to really eat anything here on the grounds, once bitten, twice shy kind of thing, and the buffet offerings are a little limited in the diarrhea friendly department, but I will try to figure it out. I just am having a bit of a problem with having to leave the yoga room, which in other forms of yoga is okay, but in Bikram yoga, is a big no-no. It is hard to determine if the searing gas pain is just gas or going to produce much more, so my last three classes I have had to leave only once each time, but for me it is horrific. The staff come running up and try to hand you a vomit container because that is the only reason they think you should be leaving the room, which I agreed with, until now. I actually had one of the staff go into the bathroom with me, maybe to check on me, I am not sure, it is hard to say. I am so hard on myself, I have had to leave the yoga room 4 times now the entire time I have been here, and in my 2 plus years of practice I have only left the yoga room 2 times total. It is really hard. I love my meditation, I love my yoga, but when my gut feels like this, it is hard to think about anything else. I am really trying though, the humiliation I suffer from leaving the room is too great, heading off the class now, hoping for the best.
Buffet burn out. Our complimentary buffet meal once daily has become one of more necessity than enjoyment. The people here at the hotel have been really great in trying to add variety but it is a challenge in itself considering where we are, and how long we are here. It has got to be virtually impossible to please everyone all of the time, and having hundreds of hungry yogis show up wanting food has got to be a strain. There is a convention here of plastic surgeons and that has been pretty interesting seeing us try to navigate, the yogis cant drink alcohol, and we run around staying up late-studying dialogue, while the doctors or botox professionals or whatever they may be, are the types that many stay up drinking, and just having a pretty good time, and here we come from our yoga class, sweaty and sort of dragging our mats past them in the hallway, I wonder what they think. One of the students asked one of them to join us for a yoga class, and pretty much just got the un-hunh, sure, you bet sort of look. It is kind of a deal killer having yogis dragging their butts through the halls, looking comatose, or zombie like, i am not sure which. Oh well. My class today was very difficult. I busted my butt in Craig Villanis class last night, since most classes go just under two hours, I underestimated the power of accrued dehydration and fatigue. So, this morning I get to the 8 AM class smiling, excited and thinking, this is in the bag, then, 10 minutes into it, I hit the wall, my head was spinning, my limbs felt like they had left my body, and I felt like I could pass out at any moment. It was weird how hard it hit me, and how fast, but I made a point of consuming lots of water and electrolytes today so hopefully I will be out of my deficit, ha ha. Side note: my lips have steam burns, not sure WHY! The yoga room is hot. That is all I can say, and I have realized there is not any way in human words to describe the blistering heat, I know hot, but the combined heat, humidity and lack of ventilation create a perfect storm of, blast furnace and steam room? I will have to think of some more words while I nurse my brain cells back.
A friend and acquaintance of mine back home died on Saturday, he was only 44 years old and one of the sweetest most giving men on the planet. An infectious smile and laugh that filled a room, and died pretty suddenly. I am truly sad and in mourning. I feel weak from that this morning, and also the fact that I have lost around 16 pounds so I have made the connection to that with why I am not feeling so strong in my classes as well. Our class nurse has given me directions to eat more, but my appetite is either very low or not there when we get to our daily buffet. I increased my intake of electrolytes and nutrients, but appetite still not where it was a few weeks ago. I am not alone, other classmates are stating they have the same problem, no or low appetite and weak, and it also makes it hard to think and concentrate. Luckily, there are some great people here from other countries I have talked to that are all experiencing the same or similar issues, so I am going to keep moving right along.
Today was the weirdest day yet. I had what I would consider a mini break down in our morning posture clinic (A critique session where staff and studio owners watch you with three demonstrators perform dialogue, the copyrighted version of the directions for Bikrams 26 postures). I was in the middle of setting up people in separate leg stretching posture and I had this flash in my mind of the first Bikram class I took at the Bloomington studio, and how I could not really do the posture, I could not breathe, could barely reach my feet, and I had a mini meltdown right in the middle of the practice teacher session, tears and all. I could see myself in that room, struggling to do the posture and it blew me away, I had been suppressing this for a long time, how important the yoga is. WOW! This yoga has changed me in ways I have only begun to see. So, this evening we were all in our posture clinic to do triangle, and I decided, I am going to do this posture! I saw that moment as a defining moment, and needed to get back on the horse. I thought, oh my god, they are going to throw me out of this training if I cant pull myself together. I got up tonight, I did my dialogue, and I was fine, and the great part was, I extended myself to one of my Canadian class mates, said "we are going out on this balcony and practicing this posture and we are going up there to do it, TONIGHT!" and we did, and it was fine. This yoga is about being healthy, and happy, and balanced, and I think I am seeing things so differently now. The classes are a struggle, and yesterday, when I was thinking about jumping up off of my mat and running screaming from the room because of the heat, and one of my classmates beat me to it, I wound up laughing instead of running because it was not just me who was freaking out. The yoga room is HOT HOT HOT. More about that later.
I never once thought that this would be easy. I never once thought that the most difficult part of life is facing yourself. This training is probably the hardest thing I have ever done. I have left my family, friends, husband and home. They say when you come to training, you leave everything. And you really do. I feel like I am in a chrysalis, like I am in the midst of huge change, but I can not really see what is going on, I can only feel it. I have not watched television, or listened to a radio since I first arrived here, and I just realized, it is quiet. For one day in this wild crazy week, after finishing studies from noon until about 4pm today, I returned to the hotel room, and finally have a little bit of quiet time. I remember what a teacher at a Bikram yoga studio back home said when I told her I wanted to go to teacher training to learn more about the yoga:"you could just go to posture clinics" or something to that effect. That statement came back to me this week and it made this week tougher than I could have imagined. A teacher, granted it is Bikram yoga, so it is in a sense more tough love, but a teacher none the less hears a student say that they are considering teacher training, and to discount it, and not even ask a little more about why the student wants to or is thinking about going. I hope that this change I am feeling is the end to my doubts. I wish that I could get a preview of what is to come, because it feels big, but I am not sure why I feel this way. I thought a lot about how very grateful I am that I had the support of my teachers at my studio in Bloomington Minnesota, and grateful they had the hindsight and the selflessness and the ability to support me. I am just grateful that Bikrams yoga college of India in Minneapolis had Jason Winn there to teach a couple of years ago, and do a posture clinic. My studio owners were there with me, and mentioned to Jason that I was considering the training, I remember he was so enthusiastic about it, and supportive, and it laid the foundation for my desire and drive. We are beginning week 4, and I am a little bit exhausted, but looking forward to the challenges and changes in the coming week.
