Fragility. Human life. We had a fire last night, with crews inside and
trying to knock down the flames, we experienced what appeared to be
two, not one, but two superheated gas explosions, where all of the
firefighters that were inside had to "bail out" jump out windows,
doors, whatever to escape the heat and flame. One after the other a
blast of hot gases, heat and flame shot out of the building. So,
instead of going to yoga and whatever else I do during the day to make
myself happy and ground me, had to be put on hold. I was already coming
down with a little bit of a cold, which made it hard to breathe and
control my breath, as I was pondering before, what do you tell your
family and friends about this job, how much do you tell them, and
should they know the danger, the extent of the danger. Fragility. So I
set up the 'snow queen' in the back yard and took a picture to add to
this post. She is absolutely beautiful!
My meditation for today: "Freedom is never voluntarily granted by the
oppressor: it must be demanded by the oppressed." Martin Luther KIng
Jr, Chicago Illinois at Soldiers field, on July 21, 1966. I was feeling
blue today. I worked a 24 hour shift as a firefighter, and then went to Bikram yoga
class, could feel some of the anxiety melt away. When you work 24
hours, a day is not truly a day anymore, no matter what people think of
a firefighters proffession with cynicism about the things we do when we
are not putting out fires, or helping sick people. Some in society feel
we are not doing anything for 24 hours, but someone stopped me at the
store yesterday. He was a security guard for various locations in the
city, and he had two questions for me, one, do I ever "turn off"
meaning, am I not a firefighter when I leave the station, and I told
him, "no" and he said "how do you maintain your sanity?" and I had to
laugh because people dont usually think about it, or care about what
happens to the rescuer once they get "off" duty. His second question
was "can you talk to your spouse about the 'bad' stuff" and I told him,
not in the sense of the way it happens, because it truly can be 'blood
and guts' and you can not 'tell it like it is' but I told him you can
get a sense of what to share and what not to share and it does change
the dynamics of your relationship, but you have to find that place
where you can go with your loved ones and not feel like you have, well,
contaminated their space, because the details of others tragedies is
not something you share, as privacy issues dictate, but you have to be
able to knock away at the granite that you build up around yourself or
it will completely encase and encapsulate you (your heart) and when it
falls away from all of that dead weight, well that is probably when
some of us freak out, act out, react inappropriately, or "snap".
So when I was thinking about freedom and oppression, I was thinking my
greatest enemy is myself, and if I do not demand that I deal with
issues, and face some issues head on, and get help when I need it, I am
never going to be free, I will always be oppressed. Bikram yoga has
given me an "out". It has given me a way to deal, and I hope I can
learn to teach, and share with others what I have only started to learn
about "helping yourself, daily". Meditation/forgiveness: self and
others.
What to do, what to do. Do you ever have those days where you feel like
you literally have lost your mind. I feel like I should have some type
of brain attachment device other than the skull, skin set-up, because I
feel like I have lost it and I am not even sure where I left it. Being
on a 24 hour shift never helps things because you start at 8 a.m. one
morning, you get off work at 8 a.m. the next morning, and even though
you go on with your day like everyone else does, there are still gaps
and little dips in the road of time that happen, and all of the sudden
it is almost time for bed and you have no idea where the day went. Went
to yoga after work this morning and that was a good class. But after
that I could tell that at times I was really just sort of drifting
along. I am sure it happens to most of the people, some of the time,
but wow, not sure if it is scary or just extremely fascinating how
quickly our lives are moving, almost the speed of light really whether
we want to admit it or not, because the truth is, how much of your life
are you missing? Right now, one blink, somethings happened and you may
or may not have noted it, but it happened and your body was there, but
was the rest of you there for the moment? Sometimes I feel like it is a
mini black hole in my mind where things just go, where, no one knows,
but wow, do we underestimate the power of the mind or what. It really
is the ultimate command center.
Addiction came up again!? Went to my Bikram yoga class today, someone
said they were taking more classes because they felt great, but they
were concerned it was becoming an addiction. Okay, I need to sink
deeper because I think that a word that has meant 'bad' is being
applied to something 'good'. In the Websters New World Dictionary, it
defines Addict : "1 to give (oneself ) up to a strong habit: usually in
the passive voice [addicted to heroin] 2 to make an addict of-n. one
addicted to a habit, as to using drugs-ad*dict'tion n.-ad*dic'tive adj.
I still am not sure how I feel about yoga being equated with the likes
of heroin, crack, speed, cocaine, meth, or what the h-ll ever else
people can become addicted to. I feel like people are finding pleasure
in feeling good doing something and feeling extremely guilty about it.
Taking 90 minutes for yourself. Wow, what a concept. I think that it is
a guilt thing, because I know that after I started doing the yoga on a
regular basis, I felt torn, guilty and weird, not because of how often
I did it, but because of how good it made me feel, and how I was
dedicating 90 minutes a few times a week to pure, absolute focused,
unadulterated time for me. I agree that doing things that are good for
you, always causes some pangs of guilt, unless of course you know how
to enjoy good things without feeling burdened that someone else is
sufffering while you are enjoying yourself. It is very biblical I
believe, very deep seated. I, again will be pondering these things. Oh
well.
Happy New Year! Had a wonderful new years eve. Got to the yoga studio yesterday and spent 90 wonderful minutes doing the best yoga class! It was great! One thing came up though after class that I have been pondering and I feel is important to address and think about on my journey to the next level in my yoga. One of my fellow students that attended class yesterday mentioned yoga being like an addiction, and upon elaborating, compared it to being addicted to types of sports activities, where you can not stop and you become very competitive. If I intend to teach, I believe being aware of this view point is important, but I can not get it out of my head when I think of addiction, I think of drug and alcohol addiction and I can not wrap my brain around a physically beautiful activity becoming an addiction. But I have probably one of the most open minds on the planet, so I will think about it, meditate on it, digest what seems appropriate, and make a decision about how or if that word is applicable. It very well may be, and it is wonderful to think about all of the things Bikram yoga can be, GOOD, and BAD (?). Happy new year, my mission is to stay, well, grounded?
