I never once thought that this would be easy. I never once thought that the most difficult part of life is facing yourself. This training is probably the hardest thing I have ever done. I have left my family, friends, husband and home. They say when you come to training, you leave everything. And you really do. I feel like I am in a chrysalis, like I am in the midst of huge change, but I can not really see what is going on, I can only feel it. I have not watched television, or listened to a radio since I first arrived here, and I just realized, it is quiet. For one day in this wild crazy week, after finishing studies from noon until about 4pm today, I returned to the hotel room, and finally have a little bit of quiet time. I remember what a teacher at a Bikram yoga studio back home said when I told her I wanted to go to teacher training to learn more about the yoga:"you could just go to posture clinics" or something to that effect. That statement came back to me this week and it made this week tougher than I could have imagined. A teacher, granted it is Bikram yoga, so it is in a sense more tough love, but a teacher none the less hears a student say that they are considering teacher training, and to discount it, and not even ask a little more about why the student wants to or is thinking about going. I hope that this change I am feeling is the end to my doubts. I wish that I could get a preview of what is to come, because it feels big, but I am not sure why I feel this way. I thought a lot about how very grateful I am that I had the support of my teachers at my studio in Bloomington Minnesota, and grateful they had the hindsight and the selflessness and the ability to support me. I am just grateful that Bikrams yoga college of India in Minneapolis had Jason Winn there to teach a couple of years ago, and do a posture clinic. My studio owners were there with me, and mentioned to Jason that I was considering the training, I remember he was so enthusiastic about it, and supportive, and it laid the foundation for my desire and drive. We are beginning week 4, and I am a little bit exhausted, but looking forward to the challenges and changes in the coming week.
Here is a picture of Bikram during one of his many lectures giving demonstration of his abdominal strength and ability. He gave many lectures during his time here these last two weeks about fitness, nutrition (no food is the best food), and about yoga philosophy and life and he shared a lot about his life. I know I am in the minority when I say I will miss him, he left on Friday, and will not return until we get to about week 5. He is extremely tough on us in class, and he was sometimes brutal in his statements during posture clinic, but for the most part, he has a presence that I can not quite explain, but fills the room and resonates throughout the hotel while he was here. Not just his hyperactivity and his propensity for not sleeping, ever, but his "presence". We have an anatomy test on Monday and I am trying my best not to get too freaked out about it, it is pretty tough to remember the terms and other parts in addition to studying the dialogue and practicing the dialogue, but it is all part of the program. Yesterday we had a class taught by Craig Villani, Bikrams director of education, and his classes are also extremely tough, and go about 115 minutes or so usually, and I always seem to have lower back pain after his class so I need to be mindful and figure out what is out of alignment or if I am just not fully aware during the class. He is very demanding, and wants you to work really hard in the postures, and holds some of them longer than others, so it may be hard to pinpoint when or where it occurs, but hopefully within this 9 week period I will figure it out. So far we have had many great classes, with many great teachers including Emmy Cleaves, one of Bikrams principle teachers, who spent some time here with us at the training as well, but came after our Saturday class to say good bye. I can tell we are in for a very busy, busy week.
through that door, a blast of heat hits you just inside the entryway.
There are stairs that go down to the actual yoga room, then you begin
sweating pretty much profusely from that moment on. The temperatures
here have been in the 90's, but after class when you go outside, it feels
extremely cool. I have had sudden attacks of the chills during class in what
I believe are my bodies attempts to cool itself. People are having to sit through postures quite often, some are having to leave the room, lots of people are having problems eating, drinking, keeping food in, keeping food down, and doing the yoga, it is very difficult to stay focused due to the extreme conditions, and the very disciplined class setting and structure where they do not, under any circumstances want you to leave the room for any reason at all. There are also other things that the staff request, such as no water between first and second set of postures, no water during or between camel and rabbit posture, and that everyone should attempt to remain standing during the entire standing series, they also would like everyone to attempt all of the postures, if you fall out you should attempt them again, and they will sometimes, okay most times, hold the entire class in the posture if someone falls out of the pose until they get back up and attempt it again. It is a very disciplined program, very disciplined classes. One thing that helped me is Rajashree (Bikrams wife) stating to do the best you can, try harder, stay strong, in her sweet encouraging voice. But her class, all of the classes are hugely demanding, and physically and emotionally challenging. Bikram just charges forward and ahead in his classes and demands the most out of everyone in that room, what else would you expect from the guru of hot yoga.
It is Friday, one class short of the end of our first week here in Acapulco. It seems much longer than that. Despite his calling teacher training "Bikram's Torture Chamber," he has been remarkably kind and gentle this week. We understand it only gets harder from here, but weathering the pitfalls of the first week seems like a remarkable accomplishment from our perspective. Last night, instead of continuing posture clinic until midnight or later, Bikram gave us an early night (11:00 p.m.) which meant we got some very needed sleep. Then today, he let us go from our afternoon session at about 3:00, and our yoga class tonight was at 5:30 instead of 5:00. Again, we had an opportunity for some rest. And best of all, he gave us the night off tonight. Tomorrow we have a class at 8:00 a.m., and then we are free until Monday morning at 8:30.
Rajashree has been with us all week teaching the morning classes, even though she was quite sick. She left today and we are all sad. Next week, Emmy will be teaching the morning classes. And next week we will start our smaller posture clinic groups. Sadly, none of us are in the same group. Frank and I missed being together by just a few names.
We have been told that we will see more of Bikram in this teacher training than has been his custom in recent years, because he likes this venue so much. It is truly a plush and very comfortable setting, and we are so lucky to be the first class to be here.
We have all pledged not ever to have to do a makeup class, and we have been taking care of one another. Keep sending us that energy. We need it and use it every day.
The schedule for yesterday was this: Rajashree gave yoga class at 08:30 and after that we had lunch, the afternoon met in the lecture hall for more of the posture clinics, everyone must go in front of Bikram and have 5 demonstrators and perform half moon pose, the first asana. We did that until our evening class at 5:00pm. That went until about 7:00pm then we had another posture clinic at 9:00 pm that went until about midnight. I performed half moon pose and was extremely nervous and Bikram could see that, he said you have a "cover" over your true self, you know the dialogue but you are not showing true expression. I was relieved he did not tell me to pack my bags and go home, his assessment was fair and true, and I appreciated the feedback. That was hard, getting up in front of 300 people and directing people through the postures. My yoga teachers are so great, and so strong to have gone through this and I am truly grateful.
Well, we just finished our first two hour class in Bikrams torture chamber. Was fun, exhilirating, and hard as HE--. Fill in the blanks with L's. There are approximately 300 people in our class so 300 students, plus Kareem Abdul Jabbar was there to take class and to tell his story of how Bikram yoga changed his life at our morning lecture! And this very great speaker named Frank (cant remember his last name) was at our afternoon lecture, I was in tears after hearing his story about how Bikram classes helped heal him after a horrendous motorcycle crash. I have my own story, but when I hear other stories and how much the yoga helps and heals, it carries me on, helps me through class.
This morning we get to see Bikram for the first time as a group and learn what is expected of us for the next 9 weeks. Will be excited, nervous, freaked out, okay, calm, calm, calm. I have seen him before when I took his class at his studio in Los Angeles California, but this is on different planet, okay, another level anyway, calm, calm, breathe. Rajashree spoke to us yesterday afternoon and her advice to breathe was so helpful, so brilliant. I will try to remember what she said and carry it with me.
The teacher trainees have arrived in Acapulco and I can not believe it has finally come!
This is truly amazing, and I am exhausted from my 04:30 am wake up
to ride the airplanes to this oasis here in Mexico. Now, the real fun
(Work) begins.
I thought is was so far in the future, I thought it would never come. Now the time has come and I am eerily calm about it, must be the yoga, or in denial of how much intense training is going to be to keep from freaking out. I have to be at the airport at 05:40 am, and that in itself will be a challenge. I was worried about not having a non-stop flight, but now I think it is for the better to give my brain and body a break on the way there. It is weird, I have never been away from my younger sister for long periods of time and it is amazing how I never realized how much I am going to miss her until now. Of course I am going to miss my husband, but I think we forget about our siblings, she is only 13 months younger than me so I have been there from the very beginning of her life. I never realized what a bond I have with her, and how long it has had to develop and grow. I will miss my family and friends. I will miss Minnesota, I will miss the yoga studio and my yoga class mates and the teachers who have helped me grow. I will miss everything, including the fire house. I love helping the public, and my last day at work I realized that. A man in his late 70's came in to have his blood pressure taken, and he started to tell stories about the good old days, his health, his life, and I realized there are a lot of people that dont ever get a chance in their jobs to communicate with the public on a daily basis like we do, and that even when things are bad, such as a fire, car accident, whatever tragedy has hit someone in their lives, we respond, we try to make things better, and for the most part, we do make a difference, it took me since 1999 to be able to say that and not feel conflicted, we really do matter, we sort of do ourselves in with our humility as firefighters, we need to learn to speak out and speak up more often.
Thank you to the woman at the red cross I met yesterday when I went in
to donate blood: she said to me during a conversation we were having
"you listen with more than just your ears" and I think I knew exactly
what she meant, I have noticed since the yoga that the ability to hear
changes, enhances and grows, you hear not only the voice, but the
meaning, and the heart behind what people say, and you listen, and
understand, it was beautiful and I needed to hear it because it is
important to remember that everything we do matters, not just in our
own little worlds, but to everyone in the whole world. I think I was
always this way, but now it is a 100 times stronger, and easier to deal
with and understand from my heart, that it is okay to empathize and
sympathize and care for others and be fearless about it. I am still
learning, and growing, everyday the sun gets all that much brighter and
brilliant.
